Good Tubbin'/Transcript
Oscar Leroy: They weren't kidding when they said it was hot. Emma Leroy: Tub-like too. Brent Leroy: Oh, there you are. Oscar: Yeah, what do you think? Brent: About what? Did you get a haircut? Oscar: No, look. Brent: New glasses? Oscar: We bought a hot tub you jackass. Emma: Hop in, it's great. Brent: Well, I'm more of a shower-guy. Shower alone type of guy. More of a not bath with my parents type of guy. Emma: You used to bathe with us when you were a kid. You kept crawling out of the tub. Brent: I can't imagine why. Anyway, I don't have a swimsuit. Oscar: I don't have one either. Brent: Another excellent reason to pass. Emma: He's wearing shorts. Well, underwear really. Oscar: Saves on laundry. Brent: OK. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Karen, Davis. I present to you, the future of community policing. Davis Quinton: Is it a robot? I hope it's a robot. Aw, it's not a robot. Karen Pelly: Did you really think it was gonna be a robot? Davis: I really wanted it to be a robot. Fitzy: Say hello to "Safety Pete." We're using him to promote safety week. Davis: Oh, dibs, dibs. I get to wear it. Senior officer, I get to wear him, that's an order. Karen: Go nuts. Davis: All right. Fitzy: I want him to inspire kids to be safe. Davis: I like that. And I think he should have more depth, a back story. Maybe he was a cop and was unsafe and something bad happened and turned him into a safety vigilante. And now he spends his time hunting the man who killed his parents, unsafely. Fitzy: Are you sure you won't do this? Karen: Sorry, I have my orders. Wanda Dollard: So, you're off then are you? Well, good luck in your travels and I hope you're happy wherever you end up. Hank Yarbo: I'm not going anywhere. Wanda: Oh, you big tease. Brent: What's with the hobo get-up? Hank: Oh, I can't stay at my place right now. Brent: Oh, that's right. I heard some lunatic drove through your kitchen. Hank: I just didn't see it. Brent: Yeah, those houses can jump out of nowhere. Wanda: So, drop us a postcard from whatever town you move to. Hank: I'm not leaving town. Wanda: Just planting a seed. Lacey: Hey, Brent mentioned that you guys got a hot tub? Oscar: Yep, tubbed just this morning. Emma: Coffee in the tub. Oscar: Coffee and toast in the tub. Emma: But you can't make toast in the tub. Oscar: That's in the tub manual. Emma: Which we read in the tub. Oscar: We sure love the tub. Lacey: I can tell. Emma: We're having a hot tub party. Oscar: You should come by, we'll tub. Lacey: Are you saying there's party in your tub and I'm invited? Emma: What's that supposed to mean? Lacey: It means I'll try to make it by but you have to stop saying "tub." Oscar: Tub. Hank: Hey buddy, I need a favour. Brent: Oh, here we go. Hank: Here we go what? Brent: You're not staying at my place. Hank: I know. Brent: And don't try and guilt me out with this "I know" stuff, I'm not buying it. Hank: I just gotta use the bathroom. Can you watch my stuff or not? Brent: Oh, I get it. I watch your stuff and then you get to stay at my place. Hank: Boy, you really want me to stay at your place. Sorry, but I made other arrangements. Brent: Yeah well, you may have made other arrangements but you're not staying at my place. Davis: I decided last night that when I was working on Safety Pete's character that he doesn't speak. Karen: That's something you should explore more with your Davis character. You ready? Are you ready? Davis: I was in character. Karen (speaker): Here he is, Safety Pete. Brent: I just hope Hank's all right. Wanda: Let him go, Brent. If he comes back he's yours. If he doesn't, he never was. Brent: I don't care where he's staying, I just don't know where he's staying. Nobody seems to know. Brent: Is Hank staying with you? Fitzy: Ha, ha, ha. Good one. Lacey: Hank? Karen: Ew! Oscar: What kind of a jackass question is that? Lacey: Hank? Emma: Are you drunk? Lacey: Hank Yarbo? Helen Jensen: I'd kill myself first. Wanda: Yes, he's staying with me. Jane: Uh-uh. Brent: What? Wait, what did you say? Wanda: He's staying with me. Brent: With you? Wanda: Yes. Brent: Really? That's like a cobra and a monkey living in the same house. I meant mongoose. Hank: Monkey and a mongoose? Man, I'd love to see that. Throw a badger in there, a ferret, one piece of meat. Brent: You're staying at Wanda's house? Hank: Yeah, I told you I had it covered. It probably gives her some comfort at night, having a man around. Wanda: Comfort's not the word and man's not even close. Lacey: Hello. Oscar: Welcome to the party. Lacey: Where is everyone? Emma: They all had to go for some reason. Oscar: Oh well, more tub room for the rest of us. Come on, hop in, ha, ha. Lacey: Oh, sure. Oscar: Oh! I didn't know there was a jet there. Emma: Well, maybe it's not a jet. Oscar: Well then what the hell is it? Oh, I see what you're saying. Lacey: Those other people say where they were going? Lacey: So, why did everyone bail on your folk's hot tub party last night? Brent: Why would anyone go in the first place? There's your puzzle. Oscar: Hey, hey, hey. It's the big tubber. Brent: I'm trying to lose weight, OK? Oscar: I was talking to Lacey. Lacey: Oh great, I hope that's not a nickname that sticks. Emma: It got pretty hot in the old hot tub last night, huh? Oscar: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Brent: OK, I'm out. Lacey: Please don't go. Oscar: Hey, you should come hot tub tonight. Lacey: Yeah. But you know what? I don't like to over-tub. Makes me too relaxed and then the next day I'm all, noodely, blah, so... Emma: Well, that's understandable, I guess. Oscar: Hey Karen! You want to come hot tub tonight? We're not gonna be around so somebody might as well use it. Karen: I'd love to. Can I bring some friends? Oscar: Sure. Lacey: You guys aren't gonna be there? Emma: Oh no, we have to go out. You should come over tomorrow night and the three of us can do it together. Karen: You know, the French have a term for that. Lacey: Don't even. Fitzy: I just saw some kids who said Safety Pete was hilarious. Karen: Yeah, but you have to remember, kids are stupid. Fitzy: Well, I think it's great. Is Davis in? Karen: He's out on a call. Fitzy: Ah, that's no good. School wants a Safety Pete show in 15 minutes. Grab the suit. Karen: I'm not doing it, I don't know how to do it. Fitzy: You do this and you do that. Kids are stupid, remember? Wanda: Look at this. Hank: Hey, cool spaceman toothbrush, I've got one just like it. Wanda: It is yours. You can't be leaving your crap lying around like it's...Hank's house of crap. Hank: I can't help it. It's so dark in here at night. Wanda: You're gonna get us caught. You're gonna blow the whole setup. Hank: Well, you're the one who wants me to keep the lights off. Wanda: Did you wash the floors? It's the deal. Hank: Yeah, can't you smell it? It's apple fresh, I used the whole jug. Wanda: Of apple juice? Hank: Did I mention it's dark in here at night? Brent: Geez, it's like the floor of a waffle house in here. I thought I told you to clean this. Hank: I'll do it. Brent: Why are you doing it? Hank: 'Cause Wanda's being... Wanda: Generous and hospitable letting him stay at my place. So, he's helping me out around here. You know, during the day, day time hours, 'cause he's sleeping at my place. Hank: The important thing to remember is that I'm sleeping at her place and no where else. Davis: Hey, heard you did Safety Pete at the school. You didn't talk, did you? Karen: No. Davis: Did you do the hands on the hip thing? Karen: Not really. Davis: But that shows you're disappointed. Then there's the "I can't hear you" gesture. What you'll find is that they will say what they were saying louder. Kids have a lot of fun with it. Fitzy: Hey Karen, thanks for filling in with those kids. Loved the cartwheels. Karen: More than the flips? Davis: You did flips? Karen: You look disappointed. Davis: No, no, happy for you. Karen: I can't hear you. Am I doing this right? Brent: Hey Hank, what do you say you and I go for a drive? Hank: Yeah OK, where do you want to go? Brent: No where in particular. Brent: Oh, hey Wanda. Just out for a drive. And look, the old roommate Hank's with me. So, can we come in, er... Wanda: I'm waiting for the second option. And this is Hank's home away from home. Mi casa is Hank's casa is what I always say. Brent: That what you always say? I've never heard you say that. So, I guess this would be where Hank has breakfast when he stays here? Wanda: Right there in the old nook. The Hank nook we call it now. Brent: Hey, what would Hank have for breakfast, typically? Wanda: Eggs with um, potato chips. Brent: Hey, where do you sleep, Hank? Hank: Ah, I sleep where Wanda has me sleeping. Wanda: The couch. Hank: The couch, really? Brent: Geez, that sounds cozy. I'd love to have a look at that setup. Wanda: Hey, I thought you were here just to visit. Don't go in there. Brent: Ah-ha! Wanda: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you "ah-ha" something? Brent: No, I was just mentioning my favourite Norwegian band from the 80's. Come on, Hank. Karen: Hey. Lacey: Listen, about that hot tub thing, it turns out I am free tonight so I'd love to come. Karen: Oh, it's just that I've invited quite a few people and I'm afraid it might be crowded. Lacey: Oh, ha. Karen: I don't know why you'd even want to come tonight. I heard you were really into watching Oscar and Emma bathe. Lacey: No, I'm not. Karen: Word on the street is that the three of you kind of dig it. So, why not leave the hot tub to those of us who don't? Lacey: Because I prefer hot tubbing with other people. So, can I come? Karen: No. Crowd: Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo. Whoo. Jane: Come on! Do a flip. Safety Show Kid 1: No, a real flip. Like you did at school. Crowd: Boo! Boo! Jane: He's wants us to boo louder? Crowd: Boo! Fitzy: Sorry, but from now on Karen does Safety Pete, OK? OK? Karen: I think he's in character. Davis: No, I'm just sad. Karen: What are you doing here? Lacey: Oh, hey guys. Jump in, the water's really warm. Maybe too warm, it's kind of bugging my rash. Hot Tub Denizen: You've got a rash? Karen: She's bluffing. She just wants the tub to herself. Lacey: No, no. Unlike Karen, I like to share. Even when I'm not feeling very well. Ooo, would you mind passing me my Peptol-Bismol? Karen: OK, don't really want to take a chance on that one. We're outta here. Lacey: Oh, that's too bad. Juice Customer: Sorry, I know you're closing up. How much for the juice? Brent: Ah, buck-fifty. Juice Customer: And how much for the juice that's only half full? Brent: 75 cents. Wait, what? What's half full? Juice Customer: Nah, I'll just take a full one. And these race car slippers? Brent: Where, where did you get those? Juice Customer: Behind the magazine rack. I would have gone for the pyjamas but they're the wrong size. Brent: Check these out. Hank: Hey, cool. I got a pair just like that. Brent: Yeah, behind the magazine rack. Hank: Right. I mean no, I'm staying at Wanda's. Brent: I know you're sleeping at the gas station. Hank: Damn it! Brent: And P.S., I sold your slippers. Emma: Yoo-hoo, Karen. We're home early. Hey, it's Lacey our favourite tubber. Oscar: Let's get our trunks. Emma: You know, sometimes we get the sense that people don't like to hot tub with us. Lacey: That's crazy. What isn't to like? Oscar: Would you mind passing that to me? Peptol-Bismol, the champagne of diarrhoea medicine. Lacey: OK, keep sipping. Lick the, lick the cup. Crowd: Whoo! Davis: It's not that great. It's not that safe either, in fact you probably... Safety Show Adult 2: Shh! You're wrecking the show. Crowd: Whoo! Jane: That's awesome! Lacey: I need your advice on a private matter. Wanda: Ah, you mean that weird hot tub thing with you, Oscar and Emma? Lacey: OK, more of a public matter. I'm caught in this weird hot tub triangle. Wanda: You mean, hot tub triangle or hot tub triangle. Lacey: I'm serious, they want me to hot tub with them all the time. It's creepy. Oscar: Hey Lacey, we need to ask you something. Wanda: Cue the exit music. Brow-chicka-brow-brow. Emma: Listen, we heard that you chased Karen and the others away so you could hot tub alone with us. Now that's a little weird. Oscar: A lot weird. Lacey: That is not true. Karen left all on her own after I pretended to have diarrhoea. That is not weird. Emma: Now you're acting out. That's understandable, you're hurt. Lacey: Who's hurt? You think I'm weird, I think you're creepy. It's all great. Oscar: Good, 'cause we're having another party tonight. Please, don't come. Lacey: Well, how come? Emma: Because we don't want you there. Lacey: Well, I don't want to be there. Wanda: Brow-chicka-brow-brow. Davis: Safety Pete to the rescue! Safety Pete, away! Fitzy: What are you doing? Davis: I was thinking it would be better if Safety Pete talked. And I don't think Safety Pete should do flips, it's not in his character. Fitzy: The flips are the best part of the show. Davis: Sure, if you want to pander to an ill-informed public. Fitzy: Tell Karen she has another show tomorrow at the Post Office. Davis: That arm twirl thing's a lot harder than it looks, you know. Brent: Why didn't you just ask if you could crash at my place? Hank: I didn't want to impose again. I didn't want you to think I was some kind of bum or drifter. Brent: So, you thought sleeping on the floor of a gas station would make you seem like less of a drifter? Hank: It's not so bad. Brent: I don't want you staying here. I'll find you a place but you're not staying here. Brent: The visit's going well, don't you think? Wanda: Lovely. Hank: Right. Wanda: Well, I suppose... Brent: Another coffee? Don't mind if I do. Hank: Yawn. I gotta crash. You guys keep talking though, I can sleep through anything. Wanda: Ah, ha-ha. Brent: Ah what? Wanda: I'm gonna tuck in my roomie. Yah, ha, ha, good night. Brent: All right, fine. I'll let you turn in. I'm just gonna be out in front of your house sitting in my car drinking coffee. Is that cool? Wanda: It's very cool. It's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Just forgot to say good night. Brent: Good night. Oscar: Well, this is a dud. Why didn't anybody come? Lacey: Ha! Emma: What do you want? Lacey: No one came, did they? 'Cause they know you're creepy, frisky tubbers! Oscar: You're the freak show! Emma: They didn't come because they were scared you'd show up. Oscar: And they were right. Emma: Well, now that you're here, do you want to come in? Lacey: I mean, I am wearing my bathing suit, so... Oscar: Hit the jets on the way in, weirdo. Wanda: OK. Hank: What? Wanda: Couch time's over. Hit the streets. Hank: What? Wanda: Back to the gas station and make sure the floors are mopped by morning. Hank: I, I don't have a key. Hank: Ow, geez. Can we please turn on a light? Wanda: Don't be stupid. We turn on a light...ow! Brent: Here, let me get the lights for you. Wanda: Oh, my God. I must have been sleepwalking. Don't wake me. Hank: You drove here asleep? That's not safe. Brent: The jig is up, your roomie blabbed. Wanda: All right, you win. Guess we'll have to suck it up and let him sleep here. Good night. Brent: Whoa, whoa, nice try. He's not sleeping at my place of business or my place. Hank: Enough! Geez, I'm not some kind of charity case. I'll find my own place to stay. Got keys to the Ruby? Brent: Not even sure if it's locked. Hank: Night. Brent: Night. Wanda: Night. Crowd: Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Wooo! Safety Show Kid 1: Do the flip! Karen: What's going on? Fitzy: Watch this, Karen's gonna do a big...aw crap, it's Davis. I just thought you'd put on weight. Karen: Ah, real nice. Davis! What are you doing? Fine, but you're probably gonna hurt yourself. Jane: Shh! You're wrecking the show. Crowd: Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Safety Pete! Karen: Are you sure you want to do this? Crowd: Oh! Davis: Oh, oh, it's hurts like hell! Ah. Safety Show Kid 2: Hey, Safety Pete does talk. Safety Show Adult 2: Does he ever. Davis: Ah, I think I broke my f**king leg! Ow! Karen: I think what Safety Pete is trying to say is that you should never try a stunt like that. Especially if you're an idiot. Davis: Ow, I think I broke my beep, beep, beep... Hank: Hey, keep it down out there! Some of us are trying to sleep! Category:Transcripts